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The end of 2015

I go into 2016 with mixed feelings. The beginning of a new year usually comes with promises to improve, to better oneself, to let go of the things that held us back before. The thing is, I am pretty ok with me. I began a journey when my daughter received her cancer diagnosis. A journey towards being a better person. Seeing the positive. And life got better- she got better for starters. I launched a business that I love and put my heart and soul (and a lot of money) into it. I set myself challenges I only dreamt of before. Took up running, entered a lot of races and raised a lot of money for charity. All ticks in my book of living a better life. Only, not everyone came on that journey with me. I shrugged off negativity and with that failed to spot the warning signs that were screaming out to me. That my husband, the other half of me, was hurting, was somehow damaged. Couldn't just 'fix' himself. And he sank further and further into his own hell, with me smiling beside him.

Depression. It steals the person you are, entwines itself like weeds and strangles the light, the hope. It began to creep into my happy bubble, became harder not to notice. By the time I did, it had completely affected his work life and the person he was at home. With work, it had gotten to the point of no return. His work made the depression worse, trapped in a vicious cycle. Snap out of it... I wish he could. In the end there was little choice involved. He parted ways with his job and we lost our home, our family home... suddenly, bubble burst, I sank with him.

Sat in a dingy b'n'b, head held in hands. Rock bottom. I lost heart. Lost faith in the newly learnt positive attitude I'd adopted. I felt shame like never before. I stopped running and wallowed in the despair. We both did. We had overcome cancer and now this? Then something snapped. I put on my trainers and went for a run. Breathing harder than before. I was a loser in life at this point, but could be victorious as I charged forward. Taking back control. Ownership of perception. We had already faced our biggest fears as parents, this couldn't be worse...

I shook it off. We could wallow and still our life would be no better, or we could stand strong. We were both free- whilst I had been able to pursue dreams and happy things, he had been stuck in a job he hated whilst facing an inner battle he hadn't the strength to fight. Free from his work and the pressures that came with it, my husband, my best friend, returned to me. I so missed his smile. One aspect of our life was a major f*$k up but it wouldn't be permanent. It wouldn't define us. We could choose to view 2015 as the year we 'lost it all' or, as a pretty amazing year with a blip along the way. And that blip will one day be looked upon as the moment that we turned our lives around, the catalyst that led to a better place- for the both of us and ultimately for our children, our purpose for being.

It's certainly a surreal time. To be technically homeless but continuing on. I am training for the London Marathon so I can continue fundraising for cancer charities and he has just signed up for his first half marathon. Running has proven to be the ultimate anti-depressant. We are lucky. We have this chance now, to make things better. Life is beautiful- this continues to be our family motto. 2016 will be an amazing year. We will make sure of it.


www.virginmoneygiving.com/terricreaser


Smiling, as we should be. Enjoying goofing around together.
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